douchey bitch liars

I've seen so many people around me get hurt or fucked over by the opposite sex, including myself. So I decided to start a series of lessons that will help you open your eyes and find the right person. Hopefully these lessons can help you realize what kind of world you actually live in. Enjoy!

LESSON 1
Most guys are douche bags.
Most girls are bitches.
The douche bags will fuck you over because...well they're douche bags.
The bitches will play you and then ditch you. They're bitches...do you expect any less?

And almost all of these people cheat, have cheated, or will cheat. The few that say they don't can go fuck themselves because they're lying.

Welcome to the real world. People lie, cheat, and fuck around. Why? Because they feel like it. It sucks but it's the truth.



peace, love, and surviving.

an overflowing mind, shaking hands, and a heavy heart

I hate sitting around. Sitting around means that I think too much....


Lately, I've been thinking about my relationships with people...past, present, and future...strangers, acquaintances, friends, best friends, lovers...what went wrong, what I can do more of, what I can change, what I can push for, what I want out of it, etc.


I fell head over heels, blinded by the sudden romance and the promising signs of adventure. Sure, it took me a while to admit that I was actually in love but the chase was exhilarating. And fueled by the chase, I forgot to open my eyes and watch what I was getting myself into. I let these so called emotions dictate everything, justifying to myself that it was more than some chemical reaction in my brain, that it was the real deal. After closing my eyes the whole journey through, I finally opened them. Worse timing EVER. Couple months after everything fell apart, I got advice that may have saved me from the heartbreak.


Open your eyes when you're looking for love. Close them once you've found love.


Why couldn't you have told me this a couple years ago??? It would have saved a lot of people the heartache they went through. I'm still trying to deal with it...well I've put off dealing with it for a couple months now and once in a while I think about it and I just put it off again because I just don't know where to start the healing process. I know it wasn't just me that got hurt but I've been ignoring the fact that I got hurt because I honestly don't know how to bounce back from it.


Where do I even start? I keep reading all these articles in magazines where step 1 is gorge on ice cream and watch chick flicks in sweats. That is the shittiest step 1 I've ever heard. Not only will you probably not get over him but you'll probably get so fat eating ice cream that the sweat pants that you used to wear for comfort, will now become a permanent part of your wardrobe.


Thanks Seventeen Magazine, you've officially made thousands of women fat asses after their breakups. 


Even though I'm ranting about how much I got hurt and how hard it is moving forward, I know that I would never be able to resist him. No matter how bad things were or how bad things might get, I'll continue to struggle with saying no. It's silly because I have such an easy time standing up to everyone else but (NERD ALERT: if you can't stand nerdiness, skip ahead) I feel like a space shuttle flying towards the black hole unable to maneuver from getting sucked in. And maybe it's because I can't imagine losing my best friend and someone I love at the same time. People who know me well, understand that I have a hard time opening up and making close friends. But in general, I just have a hard time opening up...and then one day, I found someone who seemed to understand me and the things I was going through. He made it so easy to say things about myself or my experiences, that I couldn't help but fall hard and deeply in love.


Everyone tells me that at a certain point in their lives, they begin to remember the good things and forget the bad. Maybe I haven't hit that point in my life yet because I barely remember the good things and almost always are reminded of what went wrong. Yet, after everything that's happened, I'm still so naive and trusting. I know that people won't change but why do I keep holding onto the thought that he'll change? I've worked so hard to be that strong person from before and he doesn't even notice.


my heart hurts...and still it goes unnoticed.




I know I'm lying to myself that he'll be different, that he's changed, that he'll love me as I am...maybe if I lie to myself enough, it'll come true. I'll continue to hope for the best and stay optimistic.






Love me-today-yesterday....Oh continue to love me-never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.


Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours

wish list: things I don't really need but really want

making a list might encourage me to save up and actually purchase something...

1. BBT - $500

2. Ukulele - $200

3. Authentic Cowboy Boots (size 6.5) - $150+

4. A cute chain link black purse - $20+

5. All the shoes I want!

more to come!


hm...I don't know which one to start saving up for first...




peace, love, and shoes

mis- & take: the bad, the latin, and the incorrectly translated

We all make mistakes. Sometimes our mistakes are small, like tripping on your shoelace and breaking the cup you're holding. Other times, our mistakes are big and life altering, and not necessarily just your life. Looking back on the last 4 years, I feel as though many of the mistakes I made were due to fear. Fear of confrontation, fear of love, fear of loss, fear of losing control, fear of control, fear of disappointment, and even fear of making mistakes. What was I so scared of? All of the fears seem juvenile and silly....As I grow older and hopefully, more mature, I am more aware of the fear that surrounds many of the decisions I make in life. 


What am I so scared of? Maybe fear itself. 


Spending most of my days alone means I think...a lot. I think about everything from the mistakes I've made to what's going right in my life, if anything (excuse my negativity). It's too late to fix the mistakes...but I wish I could...at least the ones that keep me up at night. There are times when I think...if only I was stronger...I would have gotten out before [blank] happened. Then voila! the mistake would have never occurred. 
if only I was a better girlfriend...if only I was a better person...if only I was more confidant...if only I had the courage...


And after overly thinking, possibly to death, I find that I am even more disappointed in myself because I couldn't muster up the courage to prevent a mistake from happening. A lot of things that happen in life are out of my control, and no matter how much I deny it, it's still going to happen. Ojala que...God wills it. I just need a better way to deal with it. 


I wish I could turn back time. There are so many things I would have done differently...But now I know better. I know to love unconditionally, to live in the moment, and to fake courage when necessary. I knew these things before but I never really acted on them. I'm really trying to turn things around, hopefully gain some good karma on the way, I'm going to live life now, not later, not tomorrow, but now. 


one day, I will come to terms with all of my mistakes. too bad today isn't that day.






if only.


peace, love, and surviving

DMZ: demons, minions, and zebras? what the fuck?

There are times you find yourself in a minefield. You can't step forward or backwards because you might cause an explosion. Solution? Call for help.




now only if you would pick up the phone....






peace, love, and hope

smile: spreading happiness

I think waking up yesterday was one of the hardest things I've done so far. Waking up meant facing the world and accepting the recent events in my life. Even the long awaited sunny weather wasn't cheering me up...it made me feel worse since there wasn't anyone to share it with. Laying out by the waterwall, relaxing by the pool, walking around parks...all things meant to be done with someone else. 

After grumbling about the same crap and hiding under the blanket for much of the morning, I decided to try and cheer myself up with my favorite, MCD's iced coffee. As I pulled up to the drive through...I turned to the passenger seat and crumbled a bit. Can I take your order? Excuse miss...are you there? I could hear her talking in the background but all I could think about was how it was just me...ordering one drink, no spicy chicken sandwich, no chicken nuggets....

It took me a couple seconds to muster up the courage and speak into the intercom. I'll have a medium vanilla...actually a hazelnut iced coffee. The hazelnut isn't as good as vanilla...but it's better than choking up every time I try to order coffee.

By the time I pulled up to the last window, I was even more bummed out, beating myself up over things I did wrong. When the lady handed me my coffee, it was automatic that my manners kicked in. I turned to her, smiled and said my thank you's. Right then, the strangest thing happened, the window that was halfway closing, yanks open. She gave me this huge grin and said to me, "I hope you have a wonderful day."

As silly and unimportant as that sounded...it changed my day. I couldn't help but smile for the rest of the day. I stopped thinking about the bad stuff going on in my life and just kept smiling.

Something as everyday as have a wonderful day made all the difference. It gave me hope for a better tomorrow.

peace, love, and spreading happiness.

love amongst chaos

The last couple of days got me thinking about my life especially the most recent two years...maybe it was the gloomy weather or the constant raining but the week has been pretty tough on me. Looking back, I realized how much my life changed, the people around me changed, and how much I changed, and not necessarily for the best. I consider myself a pretty optimistic person but after things going wrong constantly, I admit, it was extremely hard bouncing back. I lost a sense of who I was because I couldn't recover quickly enough. I wasn't the person I was proud of...and it took me a year to step back and say, "I don't like who you've become," let's fix this. 

I'm happy to say that I've been on the road to finding myself again and I think I'm close to who I used to be. Some people might say that changing is good, but I loved who I was before I left for school and I want to be that girl again. I really don't care if people hated that girl or don't understand why I want to be her again. But we all have secrets...that girl, the one you might not like, she had the courage to bounce back from getting her heart broken, watching her family pass away, getting picked on, and probably the single worst event in her life. After everything, she was still happy.

I was so glad to be leaving all the problems behind, some typical such as nagging parents and others more complicated...but as the year started and time passed...I realized the same problems followed me to school. And I started blaming myself for things that were happening around me. Sure, I probably could have handled certain things better but I cracked under the pressure. I couldn't accept the drama back into my life so I pulled  back...knowing what happened next, it was the wrong decision. I know I have a problem with shutting myself away from the world...but it's always been a defense mechanism for when things became too much for me to handle. Probably not the right thing to do, but nonetheless that's how I deal with stuff.

I've made mistakes these last two years, some damaging...to myself and to others. But after everything went down there are a couple things I firmly believe...

1. Some people are extremely selfish. No matter what you do for them, they still will call you a hypocrite and only see themselves. It's a joke to believe anything these people say because they'll never understand. Solution: Avoid these people at all cost. They are detrimental to your sanity.
2. Friends are worth everything. After struggling to make new friends, I now know, the right group of friends makes all the difference...and those are the people who are worth fighting for.
3. Love like you've never loved before. At the end of the day, I want more than anything to be with the guy I love. I've made enough mistakes to know that if I get another chance at love, I won't fuck up. I won't take love for granted ever again.
4. Fight for what you want. I know what I want and I'm not going down without fighting for it. I'll never make that mistake again.
5. I want to love and be loved back. Simple...life is about finding love amongst all the chaos in the world.

I'm never going back to those two years and I'm definitely not going to make the same mistakes twice. We all want to live, laugh, and love...but sometimes you have to live, learn, and keep living.

One day, I won't be a walking bad luck charm. I still see the glass half full...and that's one part of me that will never change. just keep swimming. just keep swimming...

peace, love, and finding happiness.

mafia: fiction vs reality

listening to: un-thinkable by alicia keys 
but playing in my head: women lie, men lie by yo gotti ft. weezy


In the last couple of weeks, I've played mafia (the game) a lot. Every time we gather for some YLC function such as rehearsal or game night, someone always brings up playing mafia. Even though I love playing the game, I secretly like dying in the early rounds because it means I get to watch everyone else. The best part of the game, at least I think so, is watching everyone's lying skills. Some people are amazing liars that the signs are hard to catch, others are horrible liars...their lies spotted before they open their mouths. I find myself in shock sometimes seeing how well people can lie but then again, not so shocked knowing what the world is capable of.


Why did I bring up the game, mafia? Watching people lie in a game like mafia made me realize how little I thought of humanity and the world. I brushed off the lying in mafia as a part of something that humans did but in reality, I should have been horrified how easily people can lie. The way it slips off your tongue, no fidgeting, no hesitating...and the scariest part? The way they look straight into your eyes and feed you that lie.


damn. that's scary shit.


I think we will go insane trying to figure out who's lying, why, and finding the signs. It's sad that I have accept lies to keep myself sane. So where do we draw the line? How do you approach someone when the lie is obvious? Why do we have to tiptoe around the situation...as if we're worried that we'll offend that person if we call them out? They lied, so why do you have heartburn worrying over their feelings? Anyone else think our society has taken a wrong turn somewhere? I think it was between honesty, feelings, and white lies.


I'm not saying I don't lie. I love your cooking. You look hot in that outfit. You're too good for that guy. Yeah, I know...that girl is such a bitch. But really, I'm thinking...You suck at cooking. You look fat in that outfit. That guy is way out of your league. You're calling her a bitch? Look in the fucking mirror. Normally, I have no problem delivering that shit out but lately girls are getting vicious. They dish out their insults, come-backs, and backstabbing shit talk, yet, when someone tells them exactly the same shit, they can't take it. Wait, when was it okay for you to make fun of a girl because of what she looked like but when someone comments on your outfit, it's suddenly the end of the world?


The emotions, the lies, the faking...it's so human. It's fucking terrifying how easily people have accommodated lying into a norm of society.


Sometimes, I don't read/watch the news for weeks because I'm too damn scared of what's going on in the world. But there's hope! For those who are watching the World Cup, keep an eye out for the "Stop Racism" commercial...it got the message across.


peace, love, and medics.

Hiring: An experienced painter to color Texas blue

Minorities could be the new American majority by 2050

According to this article by MSNBC, there are four states (+DC) that have non-white majorities, Texas being one of them. So why the hell are we still a red state???

That's one state more than in 2000, when Texas was not on the list.

Republicrats and Democans UNITE! Defeat Rick Perry in the 2010 Governor race.

Yes, I am officially endorsing Bill White for governor and so should you. I don't care what your political preferences are. Don't vote for the dumbass who is making a fucking wall between Mexico and Texas. The next thing Rick Perry is going to do is the same shit going down in Arizona. If Rick Perry gets elected, minorities beware! Perry might make us wear fucking name tags or some shit proving we're not illegal. So make the smart choice Texas and vote the guy who isn't fucking building a wall. 

Vote Bill White

HEY TEXANS! November 2, 2010. Let's paint Texas blue! Don't fuck this up like Massachusetts did.

peace, love, and bill white for texas.

education? schmeducation!

That nice thing I said about Texas? I take it back...well not the Arizona part but liking Texas.


Texas OKs changes to school texts
Has anyone else been keeping up with the textbook debate in Texas? Because it's monumentally epic. Congrats to Texans! You're children will now be able to receive an ultra conservative education focused on Christian influences on politics. If they choose to go out of state for college, everyone will think they're a dumbass...even more so than when they hear that they're from Texas. YAY TEXAS!


What a lot of people don't realize about the Texas textbook revisions is that Texas is the second largest textbook purchaser in the US (behind California). So future textbook buyers from smaller states will be limited to a super conservative version on US History. 


The Revisions

Adds references to "laws of nature and nature's God" to a section in U.S. history that requires students to explain major political ideas. The Founding Fathers were motivated by Christian beliefs and morale.

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm pretty sure as "christian" as the founding fathers were...they cared less about instilling christian beliefs and more about not getting killed by the red coats. that's why there was that huge debate about the seperation of church and state. or is Texas planning on erasing that part of history too?

Replaces "democratic" in references to the form of U.S. government with "constitutional republic."

Since when the United States become a constitutional republic? Just because it used to be "The Republic of Texas" doesn't mean the US is one too.

In addition to learning the Bill of Rights, the board specifies a reference to the Second Amendment right to bear arms in a section about citizenship in a U.S. government class.

I knew guns would be included somehow.

Requires economics students to "analyze the decline of the U.S. dollar including abandonment of the gold standard."

click here it's a video clip from the Colbert Report (disclaimer: conservatives beware. content may be offensive).

Ensures that students learn about "the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association."

It wouldn't be a complete Texas education without mentioning guns in every other sentence.

In teaching about the civil rights movement, students must learn about the violent philosophy of the Black Panthers in addition to the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s nonviolent approach.

Only in Texas will you see Black Panther in the same paragraph as MLK. I think they may be taking it too far with the "teaching both sides of the story" philosophy. Wait, are we still allowed to use the word philosophy without being blasted as a liberal? Oh Texas, how you're becoming more difficult to live in.

Specifies that Germans and Italians were interned in the United States as well as the Japanese during World War II, to counter the idea that the internment of Japanese was motivated by racism.

WOW. Finally, something that makes somewhat sense, even though it kind of sounds like a cover up? Texas: "Hey Japanese Americans from WWII, we're going to cover up the fact that you were interned because we don't want to admit to being racists." I was going to count it in favor of reason but I feel like they're trying to cover up the existence of racism. Texas Conservatism 7 Reason 0

Requires that the history of McCarthyism include "how the later release of the Venona papers confirmed suspicions of communist infiltration in U.S. government." The Venona papers were transcripts of some 3,000 communications between the Soviet Union and its agents in the United States.

I smell conservatism stank.

In sociology, requires the teaching of "the importance of personal responsibility for life choices" in a section on teen suicide, dating violence, sexuality, drug use and eating disorders.

Soo what...does peer pressure, bullying, etc, no longer exist in Texas? I wonder what the textbooks will say about Sarah Palin's daughter...the one who apparently forgot the "importance of personal responsibility" when she got pregnant because she didn't use a condom. Wait, where were her christian morale and beliefs when she decided to have sex before marraige? Hmm...something just doesn't add up.


One thing that msnbc seems to have left off is the removal of Thomas Jefferson as an enlightenment thinker and the severe reducing of his role in the American Revolution. Umm..he kind of WROTE THE DECLARATION. 


I worry for future generations in Texas and the rest of the US. Since when did it become okay to re-write history because it was "too liberal?" I guess every view of history is biased to some extent, but the textbook revisions have gone too far. No where else but in Texas will something as crazy as this pass with a vote of 9-5 (only because 3 democrats walked out). When a Texas Democrat walks out of a debate because the change was too conservative, you know that there's a problem.


Next time you drive through Texas, the sign might change from "Welcome to Texas: the Lone Star State" to 
Welcome to Texas: Where your child can finally receive a conservative education. Hmm..that might be a bit too long to fit but I'm sure they'll figure out a way to shorten the message.


peace, love, and mcd.

illegal immigrant debate extended to tv shows

I'm browsing through msnbc's home page and this lovely article caught my eye.
Dora the Explorer: illegal immigrant?

My initial reaction was "WTF?" but it seemed like an interesting article so I clicked on it. After reading it, I'm thinking I should have just passed over it.

I get that we live in a tv-generation where people don't know how to function without obsessively keeping up with television shows (*cough* Lost fans *cough*) but bringing in a cartoon character seems a bit low. Not only is Dora a cartoon character, but Dora the Explorer is a freaking children's show. The next thing people are going to say is whether or not we should let our children watch Blues Clues because it's a show about a guy who talks to his dog and has talking utensils...hallucination problems much? It's a tv show about a little girl named Dora who teaches kids how to count. Who care's if she speaks Spanish? I speak Korean but no one has a problem with me...well expect maybe Arizona.

Dora lives in an unidentified location with pyramids that suggest Mexico, but also tropical elements such as palm trees and her friends, Isa the iguana and Boots the monkey. Does that mean she's from South America or Florida?

Really? People need to just accept the fact that Dora speaks English and Spanish. Just because someone speaks both English and Spanish doesn't mean they're an illegal immigrant. What if she lives in Mexico but learned English at an early age? I still don't get why it matters. I've seen the show while babysitting a couple of 5 year olds...she has journeys all over the freaking place. Good job Nickelodeon for not disclosing her true location (no sarcasm intended), because it really doesn't matter.


Sure, I can see how Dora is brought up in the illegal immigrant debate going on in Arizona. But the bottom line is Arizona is fucked up and Dora the Explorer is an educational tv show for little kids. Let's not bring children's cartoons into the bigger debate. It just makes you look silly. Come on...it's freaking Dora the Explorer.


Finally! Something I like about Texas...it's not Arizona.


peace, love, and bagels.

Lebroma Drama

Lebron James

Professional Basketball Player

Barack Obama

44th President of the United States of America

So what do these two men have in common? Besides the obvious (no not that!)...that they're super successful in their respective fields.

As well as pointing a lot, Obama and Lebron were hyped up and failed to deliver. how disappointing....

Tips to avoiding Lebroma Drama:

1. Obama, stop caring about what Republicans think. They're Republicans for a reason. They don't know how to think.

2. Lebron...stop choking.

3. MAN UP. These are lives you are messing with! In Lebron's case, you're messing with the people's money! If someone is going to bet on the cavs, you can't choke and make them lose that money. Either way people are counting on you two, so stop being girls and man up.

4. If you can't deliver, find us someone who can.

we need change we can count on.

k thanks.

wake up and save a life

We all have our own sets of problems but what sets people apart from one another is the support system they have. Sometimes, we can solve our problems on our own...and other times we reach out to those around us for help, support, and comfort. I don't think anyone is weak for reaching out, in fact that's what you should do. Isn't that what should happen...if something is going wrong, to reach out? I don't think there is anything wrong with the person reaching out but rather if they get rejected, the person who turns them away is at fault. You don't think so, but your friend is most likely going through a lot...you think that by being harsh, they'll "wake up" and realize that their problems are nothing...but you're hurting them more. You're contributing to their pain, their hurt, and eventually if it comes to it, their death. 


I admit there are times in my life where I feel like I would be happier if I wasn't alive. For the people who argue that a life is precious and all the bullshit that follows, save your breath. I'll give you the generic response. You don't understand. Why? Because if you haven't experienced what it feels like to hit rock bottom and to not see a way out, then you won't understand. If you haven't experienced loneliness, the kind where even in a room filled with people, you feel alone, you don't understand.


Personally, I think you are a horrible friend if you tell the person who is going through these things:
1. Life is precious so they are (fill in the blank. ex. stupid, naive, etc) for thinking about death.
2. You're (fill in the blank. ex. stupid, naive, etc). Or any variation.
3. Why the fuck would you even say that?
4. You're just going through a phase in your life.
5. There are people in the world with real problems. (What are they then...imaginary? virtual? We live in the real world...everyone's problems are real).
and the worst one:
6. Stop being dramatic. Again, any variation of that too.


I'm sure you think that your so-called "kind words" of comfort are helping your friend, well, they aren't. In fact, you're damaging the person more than helping them. What these people want to hear is that they are worth something to you, that they matter, that if they end up committing suicide...that they'll be missed, and most of all, that no matter what happens, you still care and that you'll be there for them.


This is going to sound really harsh and I don't care if people blast me for it but YOU, the one who says shit like that to your friends who come up to you asking for help, if they committed suicide, YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED IT. If you had shut the fuck up and listened to what they have to say, WITHOUT JUDGING THEM, without saying mean shit...if you had just said to them, I CARE, they would be alive.


All we want is hope.


So the next time a friend comes up to you with concerns over their life, think before you say something. You may be hurting them more than helping them.

tomorrow

One morning, you'll wake up and turn to the pillow next to you, the one I used to occupy...only to find it empty and cold, and you'll miss me.


In that moment, you'll realize that you had it all, that it wasn't me but you, and that I was the one.








the one that got away.

death&dying

After a year, I still carry the scars from my grandfather's death. So many people tell me that I should be rejoicing that he is in a better place and/or that I shouldn't linger because everyone dies. Yes, everyone dies. It's been a year since my grandfather passed away, and two years since my uncle passed away. I know the impact the death of someone close has on family because it happened twice only a year apart. I watched my mother cry uncontrollably after hearing about her older brother and I vividly remember my own stoic response when I heard the news. As awful as it sounds, my uncle's death did not shake the earth for me. I consoled my mother during mass that night, and later at the wake, I took care of everything while everyone else prayed for God to have mercy on his soul. Yet, I never cried. I don't know if I was in shock or disbelief but I didn't cry over my uncle's death until a year later when I was packing for Korea. I was thinking about how I get to see my family after being absent from their lives for over 10 years, when I realized I wouldn't be able to see my uncle. Honestly, I cried more over the fact that I had so little time with such a great man than his death. I grew up listening to my mom telling me stories from her childhood with my uncle, those were always my favorite. I wasn't surprised when he passed away. My uncle had been sick all his life and went to the hospital 3 times a day for dialysis. For him, passing away in his sleep was the least amount of pain he felt all of his life He was in his late 40s, a father of 3, a brother to 2, and an only son. His death was fleeting only brought back into my memory whenever he's mentioned. Everyone dies, including family and loved ones.

My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago, but they discovered it too late and he opted out of treatment. The doctor told him that he had 6 months at most. This was our reason for going to Korea. Before we left, my mom pulled me aside to tell me to prepare myself for the worst, that my grandfather was in pretty bad condition since he denied chemotherapy. I kept thinking, "Whats the worst that could happen?" Apparently, my optimism for the situation ended up screwing me over when I got there. We landed in Incheon around 3 AM. It was foggy, humid, and dark. I should have known that scary weather is a precursor to something bad happening. I woke up the next morning, bright and early, excited to see my grandparents. But the person I met that morning was a shell of someone I used to know. He was pale, thin, and hunched over in pain. It was heartbreaking to see someone so strong defeated by an illness. There wasn't much I could do, he just sat there staring away at the tv. To this day, I wonder if he noticed that I was there that morning, that I sat next to him, that I held his hand, that I hugged him. Maybe, maybe not. That afternoon, he was hospitalized for liver failure. This was the beginning of the worst memory of my life. For the few days I spent in Incheon, I was in the hospital tending to my grandfather, hoping for a miracle, for anything. The next day, his kidneys started to shut down. The doctor put in an iv and left. The whole time, he kept asking for yogorute (a korean yogurt drink and my grandfather's favorite). He asked for days and I said no for days. His body could no longer process beverages or food, so we had to keep denying his last request. "I'm so thirsty..." such a simple phrase in everyday life...yet, to me, it means so much more. I couldn't even fulfill a request as simple as a drink. A couple days later, we left for Seoul and I never went back. I couldn't bare walking into that room again, having to watch someone I love fade away. So in the end, I never said good-bye. I never told him how much I love him. I never told him how much I missed him. I never told him how much he means to him. I never thanked him for all that he's done for me. I never got to say good-bye. It's these things that haunt a person.

A month later, we got a phone call from Korea. My grandfather passed away. I locked myself away and cried the rest of the day. I cried at mass, I cried the wake, and I cried myself to sleep. I had nightmares for month and woke up gasping for air and tears staining my pillow. It was the same hospital scenes replaying in my sleep, over and over and over again. "I'm so thirsty...Why do you keep saying no?" I couldn't help but think...did he hate me when he passed away? Was the last memory he held of me of the one saying no? Did he pass away miserable? Did he die thinking we abandon him...that I abandoned him...?

It's been a year and I still haven't gotten over it.

the "it" plague

Life takes us to interesting places and leads us down paths that we may ultimately not be ready for. But what can we do? Take a detour? "Oh sorry Life, I'm just not ready for that road. Bring me back here in...hmm...let's say 5 years? How does that sound?" HA-HA-HA. Like Life would agree to that. We'll eventually come back to the same place and end up where we didn't want to be the first time around. So instead of avoiding what may happen tomorrow or 10 years down the line, why not just take a different approach?

There are things in our lives that we so desperately want to control. Within the insane chaos of my own, I felt that controlling that one thing or object or whatever it was gave me some sort of security and reassurance. I thought I needed it to be able to get away from the life I couldn't control. Sure, I have hopes and dreams, short term goals and long term goals, and ambitions, but there is so little control of the outcome that I desire when I still live under the tyrannical rule of the parental units. (Well...they aren't that tyrannical but you get my drift...or maybe you don't...think "Asian Parents"). Anyways, in the end, I was hurt by it more than helped.

So a large part of me gave up. Not in a bad, "the world is coming to an end," kind of way, but more of a "maybe if I stopped caring so much, it'll just happen the way I want it to." Naive, but I learned that it's better to be hopeful than to be stressed out about things that are out of my grasp. Although, I don't think I'll ever stop being frustrated about it. "IT," yes, I'm being vague, but we all have our own "its" so fill in whatever yours is. No matter how much I want 'it' to change ('it' being anything, get over the vagueness), I don't think it ever will. And honestly, I don't know if I'm okay with that. Sure, I tell myself, "you're okay with it...you'll get used to it...eventually." But will I really? Will we all really be okay with our "its?" Stupid internal plagues...anyone know a good exterminator?

I still hold hope that one day my 'it' will disappate into nothing but a bad dream. (I know I know, cliche alert!) But really, I hope it will...I know that it will never happen. Still, I think I'll hold on for now.

shitdamnfuck

I sit here listening to the consistent ticking as time continues on, minute by minute, second by second, and it becomes hours later that I start to wonder how I got to this moment. All the while the humidity of the outdoor seeps in through the cracks of my window, only noticeable by the slight gleen on my skin...glistening in the artificial light of a dimly lit room. After staring at the mockingly bright screen, I realized that so much of myself was lost getting to this point in my life. So where do I take claim for the actions that led me here? Was it when I never developed the courage to walk away? Or when I thought that fitting in would mean that I wouldn't be so lost? But no matter the reason, I'm lost in a sea of matter, people, dislikes and likes, hatred, love, and everything else that encompasses life. But how far am I willing to go to search for what I have lost? How much am I willing to sacrifice to find whatever it is that I feel so strongly that I've lost...? Right now, it seems like an endless journey with no positive end or even an end at all. And reality comes crashing down when the "The End" isn't really the end and no matter what happened or happens, that bitch, reality (the one we all hate), keeps dragging us alongside of her as we slammed against all the potholes and speed bumps.
So how did I get to this point? Let's see...I took a left turn at the first street, then a right, and another right...or was that a left? It seems that I can't recall how I even got here...or maybe I can. It's a nice emotion called Love. Well...sometimes it's nice and other times, it's a mean, vicious, 'drag me to hell' type. Some of us spend our entire lives searching for "the One," "Prince Charming," our "knight in shining armor" but in all honesty, that guy you passed by while searching for "Mr. Right," yeah, that one, the one you scoffed at and looked right past him...he's the closest thing you'll find to your soul mate. So why waste all your time looking for something that may not exist when the one you've been looking for is right there. This is exactly the type of mentality that got me into all this trouble in the first place. "Don't do it." "Why not?" "I'm going to do it." "What if I regret it?" "OF COURSE I'LL REGRET IT!" "I'm not going to do it." "shitdamnfuck." Exactly my point. The whole "take it as it comes" outlook on life is the worst advice anyone has given to another human being. Seriously? Why couldn't you have come up with something more useful?! Anyways, through and through, especially with rough storms on the edge, the only thing that runs through my mind is a typical hopeless romantic's mantra: hug me. kiss me. hold me. love me. want me. need me. Stupid mantra...some help you were. Even as stupid as I feel like it is, I can't help it as those words constantly repeat themselves in my mind, my heart, and eventually echo throughout my soul. 


There has been more than one time where I've wanted to give up because lovewasn't worth it anymore. This emotion love...why do we want it so much? Why do build our lives on this emotion that at the end of the day can break down all of our hard work? What is so great about love? (insert sappy love quotes) AHA!...yeah no. Yes, even though I've become cynical on this whole love deal, doesn't mean I don't believe in it. I wouldn't be so cynical about the matter if I sold my soul to this lovething....Love opens up so many different worlds where a myriad of emotions exist some harsher than love, some deeper than love, and some stronger than love. So in the mix of all the emotions flying around, where do we fit in? 


Love vs. In Love ...where do your needs fit in...where do my needs fit...when will you ever put me before yourself...when will you realize that its me you've been looking for...when will you notice me?