shitdamnfuck

I sit here listening to the consistent ticking as time continues on, minute by minute, second by second, and it becomes hours later that I start to wonder how I got to this moment. All the while the humidity of the outdoor seeps in through the cracks of my window, only noticeable by the slight gleen on my skin...glistening in the artificial light of a dimly lit room. After staring at the mockingly bright screen, I realized that so much of myself was lost getting to this point in my life. So where do I take claim for the actions that led me here? Was it when I never developed the courage to walk away? Or when I thought that fitting in would mean that I wouldn't be so lost? But no matter the reason, I'm lost in a sea of matter, people, dislikes and likes, hatred, love, and everything else that encompasses life. But how far am I willing to go to search for what I have lost? How much am I willing to sacrifice to find whatever it is that I feel so strongly that I've lost...? Right now, it seems like an endless journey with no positive end or even an end at all. And reality comes crashing down when the "The End" isn't really the end and no matter what happened or happens, that bitch, reality (the one we all hate), keeps dragging us alongside of her as we slammed against all the potholes and speed bumps.
So how did I get to this point? Let's see...I took a left turn at the first street, then a right, and another right...or was that a left? It seems that I can't recall how I even got here...or maybe I can. It's a nice emotion called Love. Well...sometimes it's nice and other times, it's a mean, vicious, 'drag me to hell' type. Some of us spend our entire lives searching for "the One," "Prince Charming," our "knight in shining armor" but in all honesty, that guy you passed by while searching for "Mr. Right," yeah, that one, the one you scoffed at and looked right past him...he's the closest thing you'll find to your soul mate. So why waste all your time looking for something that may not exist when the one you've been looking for is right there. This is exactly the type of mentality that got me into all this trouble in the first place. "Don't do it." "Why not?" "I'm going to do it." "What if I regret it?" "OF COURSE I'LL REGRET IT!" "I'm not going to do it." "shitdamnfuck." Exactly my point. The whole "take it as it comes" outlook on life is the worst advice anyone has given to another human being. Seriously? Why couldn't you have come up with something more useful?! Anyways, through and through, especially with rough storms on the edge, the only thing that runs through my mind is a typical hopeless romantic's mantra: hug me. kiss me. hold me. love me. want me. need me. Stupid mantra...some help you were. Even as stupid as I feel like it is, I can't help it as those words constantly repeat themselves in my mind, my heart, and eventually echo throughout my soul. 


There has been more than one time where I've wanted to give up because lovewasn't worth it anymore. This emotion love...why do we want it so much? Why do build our lives on this emotion that at the end of the day can break down all of our hard work? What is so great about love? (insert sappy love quotes) AHA!...yeah no. Yes, even though I've become cynical on this whole love deal, doesn't mean I don't believe in it. I wouldn't be so cynical about the matter if I sold my soul to this lovething....Love opens up so many different worlds where a myriad of emotions exist some harsher than love, some deeper than love, and some stronger than love. So in the mix of all the emotions flying around, where do we fit in? 


Love vs. In Love ...where do your needs fit in...where do my needs fit...when will you ever put me before yourself...when will you realize that its me you've been looking for...when will you notice me?