love amongst chaos

The last couple of days got me thinking about my life especially the most recent two years...maybe it was the gloomy weather or the constant raining but the week has been pretty tough on me. Looking back, I realized how much my life changed, the people around me changed, and how much I changed, and not necessarily for the best. I consider myself a pretty optimistic person but after things going wrong constantly, I admit, it was extremely hard bouncing back. I lost a sense of who I was because I couldn't recover quickly enough. I wasn't the person I was proud of...and it took me a year to step back and say, "I don't like who you've become," let's fix this. 

I'm happy to say that I've been on the road to finding myself again and I think I'm close to who I used to be. Some people might say that changing is good, but I loved who I was before I left for school and I want to be that girl again. I really don't care if people hated that girl or don't understand why I want to be her again. But we all have secrets...that girl, the one you might not like, she had the courage to bounce back from getting her heart broken, watching her family pass away, getting picked on, and probably the single worst event in her life. After everything, she was still happy.

I was so glad to be leaving all the problems behind, some typical such as nagging parents and others more complicated...but as the year started and time passed...I realized the same problems followed me to school. And I started blaming myself for things that were happening around me. Sure, I probably could have handled certain things better but I cracked under the pressure. I couldn't accept the drama back into my life so I pulled  back...knowing what happened next, it was the wrong decision. I know I have a problem with shutting myself away from the world...but it's always been a defense mechanism for when things became too much for me to handle. Probably not the right thing to do, but nonetheless that's how I deal with stuff.

I've made mistakes these last two years, some damaging...to myself and to others. But after everything went down there are a couple things I firmly believe...

1. Some people are extremely selfish. No matter what you do for them, they still will call you a hypocrite and only see themselves. It's a joke to believe anything these people say because they'll never understand. Solution: Avoid these people at all cost. They are detrimental to your sanity.
2. Friends are worth everything. After struggling to make new friends, I now know, the right group of friends makes all the difference...and those are the people who are worth fighting for.
3. Love like you've never loved before. At the end of the day, I want more than anything to be with the guy I love. I've made enough mistakes to know that if I get another chance at love, I won't fuck up. I won't take love for granted ever again.
4. Fight for what you want. I know what I want and I'm not going down without fighting for it. I'll never make that mistake again.
5. I want to love and be loved back. Simple...life is about finding love amongst all the chaos in the world.

I'm never going back to those two years and I'm definitely not going to make the same mistakes twice. We all want to live, laugh, and love...but sometimes you have to live, learn, and keep living.

One day, I won't be a walking bad luck charm. I still see the glass half full...and that's one part of me that will never change. just keep swimming. just keep swimming...

peace, love, and finding happiness.