DMZ: demons, minions, and zebras? what the fuck?

There are times you find yourself in a minefield. You can't step forward or backwards because you might cause an explosion. Solution? Call for help.




now only if you would pick up the phone....






peace, love, and hope

smile: spreading happiness

I think waking up yesterday was one of the hardest things I've done so far. Waking up meant facing the world and accepting the recent events in my life. Even the long awaited sunny weather wasn't cheering me up...it made me feel worse since there wasn't anyone to share it with. Laying out by the waterwall, relaxing by the pool, walking around parks...all things meant to be done with someone else. 

After grumbling about the same crap and hiding under the blanket for much of the morning, I decided to try and cheer myself up with my favorite, MCD's iced coffee. As I pulled up to the drive through...I turned to the passenger seat and crumbled a bit. Can I take your order? Excuse miss...are you there? I could hear her talking in the background but all I could think about was how it was just me...ordering one drink, no spicy chicken sandwich, no chicken nuggets....

It took me a couple seconds to muster up the courage and speak into the intercom. I'll have a medium vanilla...actually a hazelnut iced coffee. The hazelnut isn't as good as vanilla...but it's better than choking up every time I try to order coffee.

By the time I pulled up to the last window, I was even more bummed out, beating myself up over things I did wrong. When the lady handed me my coffee, it was automatic that my manners kicked in. I turned to her, smiled and said my thank you's. Right then, the strangest thing happened, the window that was halfway closing, yanks open. She gave me this huge grin and said to me, "I hope you have a wonderful day."

As silly and unimportant as that sounded...it changed my day. I couldn't help but smile for the rest of the day. I stopped thinking about the bad stuff going on in my life and just kept smiling.

Something as everyday as have a wonderful day made all the difference. It gave me hope for a better tomorrow.

peace, love, and spreading happiness.

love amongst chaos

The last couple of days got me thinking about my life especially the most recent two years...maybe it was the gloomy weather or the constant raining but the week has been pretty tough on me. Looking back, I realized how much my life changed, the people around me changed, and how much I changed, and not necessarily for the best. I consider myself a pretty optimistic person but after things going wrong constantly, I admit, it was extremely hard bouncing back. I lost a sense of who I was because I couldn't recover quickly enough. I wasn't the person I was proud of...and it took me a year to step back and say, "I don't like who you've become," let's fix this. 

I'm happy to say that I've been on the road to finding myself again and I think I'm close to who I used to be. Some people might say that changing is good, but I loved who I was before I left for school and I want to be that girl again. I really don't care if people hated that girl or don't understand why I want to be her again. But we all have secrets...that girl, the one you might not like, she had the courage to bounce back from getting her heart broken, watching her family pass away, getting picked on, and probably the single worst event in her life. After everything, she was still happy.

I was so glad to be leaving all the problems behind, some typical such as nagging parents and others more complicated...but as the year started and time passed...I realized the same problems followed me to school. And I started blaming myself for things that were happening around me. Sure, I probably could have handled certain things better but I cracked under the pressure. I couldn't accept the drama back into my life so I pulled  back...knowing what happened next, it was the wrong decision. I know I have a problem with shutting myself away from the world...but it's always been a defense mechanism for when things became too much for me to handle. Probably not the right thing to do, but nonetheless that's how I deal with stuff.

I've made mistakes these last two years, some damaging...to myself and to others. But after everything went down there are a couple things I firmly believe...

1. Some people are extremely selfish. No matter what you do for them, they still will call you a hypocrite and only see themselves. It's a joke to believe anything these people say because they'll never understand. Solution: Avoid these people at all cost. They are detrimental to your sanity.
2. Friends are worth everything. After struggling to make new friends, I now know, the right group of friends makes all the difference...and those are the people who are worth fighting for.
3. Love like you've never loved before. At the end of the day, I want more than anything to be with the guy I love. I've made enough mistakes to know that if I get another chance at love, I won't fuck up. I won't take love for granted ever again.
4. Fight for what you want. I know what I want and I'm not going down without fighting for it. I'll never make that mistake again.
5. I want to love and be loved back. Simple...life is about finding love amongst all the chaos in the world.

I'm never going back to those two years and I'm definitely not going to make the same mistakes twice. We all want to live, laugh, and love...but sometimes you have to live, learn, and keep living.

One day, I won't be a walking bad luck charm. I still see the glass half full...and that's one part of me that will never change. just keep swimming. just keep swimming...

peace, love, and finding happiness.

mafia: fiction vs reality

listening to: un-thinkable by alicia keys 
but playing in my head: women lie, men lie by yo gotti ft. weezy


In the last couple of weeks, I've played mafia (the game) a lot. Every time we gather for some YLC function such as rehearsal or game night, someone always brings up playing mafia. Even though I love playing the game, I secretly like dying in the early rounds because it means I get to watch everyone else. The best part of the game, at least I think so, is watching everyone's lying skills. Some people are amazing liars that the signs are hard to catch, others are horrible liars...their lies spotted before they open their mouths. I find myself in shock sometimes seeing how well people can lie but then again, not so shocked knowing what the world is capable of.


Why did I bring up the game, mafia? Watching people lie in a game like mafia made me realize how little I thought of humanity and the world. I brushed off the lying in mafia as a part of something that humans did but in reality, I should have been horrified how easily people can lie. The way it slips off your tongue, no fidgeting, no hesitating...and the scariest part? The way they look straight into your eyes and feed you that lie.


damn. that's scary shit.


I think we will go insane trying to figure out who's lying, why, and finding the signs. It's sad that I have accept lies to keep myself sane. So where do we draw the line? How do you approach someone when the lie is obvious? Why do we have to tiptoe around the situation...as if we're worried that we'll offend that person if we call them out? They lied, so why do you have heartburn worrying over their feelings? Anyone else think our society has taken a wrong turn somewhere? I think it was between honesty, feelings, and white lies.


I'm not saying I don't lie. I love your cooking. You look hot in that outfit. You're too good for that guy. Yeah, I know...that girl is such a bitch. But really, I'm thinking...You suck at cooking. You look fat in that outfit. That guy is way out of your league. You're calling her a bitch? Look in the fucking mirror. Normally, I have no problem delivering that shit out but lately girls are getting vicious. They dish out their insults, come-backs, and backstabbing shit talk, yet, when someone tells them exactly the same shit, they can't take it. Wait, when was it okay for you to make fun of a girl because of what she looked like but when someone comments on your outfit, it's suddenly the end of the world?


The emotions, the lies, the faking...it's so human. It's fucking terrifying how easily people have accommodated lying into a norm of society.


Sometimes, I don't read/watch the news for weeks because I'm too damn scared of what's going on in the world. But there's hope! For those who are watching the World Cup, keep an eye out for the "Stop Racism" commercial...it got the message across.


peace, love, and medics.