I hate sitting around. Sitting around means that I think too much....
Lately, I've been thinking about my relationships with people...past, present, and future...strangers, acquaintances, friends, best friends, lovers...what went wrong, what I can do more of, what I can change, what I can push for, what I want out of it, etc.
I fell head over heels, blinded by the sudden romance and the promising signs of adventure. Sure, it took me a while to admit that I was actually in love but the chase was exhilarating. And fueled by the chase, I forgot to open my eyes and watch what I was getting myself into. I let these so called emotions dictate everything, justifying to myself that it was more than some chemical reaction in my brain, that it was the real deal. After closing my eyes the whole journey through, I finally opened them. Worse timing EVER. Couple months after everything fell apart, I got advice that may have saved me from the heartbreak.
Open your eyes when you're looking for love. Close them once you've found love.
Why couldn't you have told me this a couple years ago??? It would have saved a lot of people the heartache they went through. I'm still trying to deal with it...well I've put off dealing with it for a couple months now and once in a while I think about it and I just put it off again because I just don't know where to start the healing process. I know it wasn't just me that got hurt but I've been ignoring the fact that I got hurt because I honestly don't know how to bounce back from it.
Where do I even start? I keep reading all these articles in magazines where step 1 is gorge on ice cream and watch chick flicks in sweats. That is the shittiest step 1 I've ever heard. Not only will you probably not get over him but you'll probably get so fat eating ice cream that the sweat pants that you used to wear for comfort, will now become a permanent part of your wardrobe.
Thanks Seventeen Magazine, you've officially made thousands of women fat asses after their breakups.
Even though I'm ranting about how much I got hurt and how hard it is moving forward, I know that I would never be able to resist him. No matter how bad things were or how bad things might get, I'll continue to struggle with saying no. It's silly because I have such an easy time standing up to everyone else but (NERD ALERT: if you can't stand nerdiness, skip ahead) I feel like a space shuttle flying towards the black hole unable to maneuver from getting sucked in. And maybe it's because I can't imagine losing my best friend and someone I love at the same time. People who know me well, understand that I have a hard time opening up and making close friends. But in general, I just have a hard time opening up...and then one day, I found someone who seemed to understand me and the things I was going through. He made it so easy to say things about myself or my experiences, that I couldn't help but fall hard and deeply in love.
Everyone tells me that at a certain point in their lives, they begin to remember the good things and forget the bad. Maybe I haven't hit that point in my life yet because I barely remember the good things and almost always are reminded of what went wrong. Yet, after everything that's happened, I'm still so naive and trusting. I know that people won't change but why do I keep holding onto the thought that he'll change? I've worked so hard to be that strong person from before and he doesn't even notice.
my heart hurts...and still it goes unnoticed.
I know I'm lying to myself that he'll be different, that he's changed, that he'll love me as I am...maybe if I lie to myself enough, it'll come true. I'll continue to hope for the best and stay optimistic.
Love me-today-yesterday....Oh continue to love me-never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours